Envy

Each post, I add a picture that I took. For those who want to know.

Humans spend a lot of time wishing for things that others have, and I'm no different.

When I had three kids in car seats, I was annoyed that I had to work with my mid-size SUV instead of a bigger vehicle. I envied people who had better transportation.

Yep, I just admitted to minivan jealousy. Hello, adulthood.




The list of wanting things that others have includes things like:

• A kitchen pantry.
• A second bathroom. 
• Family vacations.
• Better workout clothes.
• ... this list could go on for a while...

The things we want vary based on who we are and what we value. But one thing that a lot of people have in common when it comes to envy is bodies.

Have you ever looked at a "fitspiration" post and wished you looked like that? That you had hair like that, abs like that, legs like that, or could wear clothes the same way?

It's easy to get lost in body envy, but there is nothing less constructive.

Envy over things you want but don't have never helps with positivity or gratitude, but body envy is one of the most dangerous types.

You could build a pantry, or move to a house that has one. You could save up for a cool family vacation. But you can't have someone else's body. Even if you work out the same as another person, eat the same food, or even get the same surgery -- your body will still be your body, and you'll never look like anybody but you.

So, make goals for yourself. Don't make a goal to look like someone else, or waste time wishing that your body was their body instead.

Start to see the good things about your own body, and accept the things that could be improved (and improve them, if you can). What are some of the great things your body is? What are some of the great things your body can do?

I have great hair. It is thick, it's a nice color. I have good skin. My teeth are straight. My eyes are green. I'm short, and that's not bad. I have good hands. They can play the piano, and bake things, and write stuff, and do the work I need to get done every day. I can sing, and I do almost every day as I drive my kids the places they need to be. I'm a good researcher. I have an excellent memory.

Spend time each day being grateful for being yourself, for having the body you have. You can only ever be you.

No Perfect Days

I know that not everyone is an idealist, but I am. I have a vision for everything.

Most everything I want for myself is touched by idealism. It's not necessarily optimism because I'm probably more inclined to be negative than to see the glass half full.

When I envision the home I want for myself and my family, I see a home that is not fancy or too big, but not too small or too run down. I see it nicely decorated with nothing too glaring or out of place, but somehow not cookie-cutter or predictable. There is no clutter and people like to come over.

When I make a quilt, I see the finished product from the beginning and I will spend hours (no joke) just staring at the pieces as I arrange them to make sure the final top will look like how I imagined it would.

When I plan a family vacation, I see myself forgetting nothing, dealing well with kids' inevitable misbehavior, feeling both fulfilled and nostalgic as we all make s'mores together as the sun is setting behind the hills, and the weather (of course) is not too hot or too cold.


Idealism is a wonderful tool for me, but it can also be one of my greatest vices.

Idealism is what leaves me constantly dissatisfied with my work. Idealism is what makes me surprised to actually succeed. Idealism is a source of depression and discouragement -- it brings "why try" syndrome on the coattails of a fabulous vision I might have for myself.

I see how I want to perform, I see what I wish I could do. When I go to try yet another power clean, I still can't get the movement right, even with all my concentration. When I decide to eat pizza with my kids instead of eating the way I see myself needing and wanting to eat, I feel like I can't match my own expectations.

When the quest for perfection is no longer a joy, it starts to steal joy away from you. It tells you that because you tried and failed again to complete a move perfectly, maybe you'll never be good at it. It tells you that just because you ate ice-cream (and got a stomach ache), that maybe you should just stop trying for the day (or week or month).

But the truth is this: There are no perfect days.

There are days when you wake up tired because your kids have been up in the night and you couldn't get back to sleep.

There are days where you skip breakfast because you're busy and then get so hungry you bail on your healthy plan for lunch.

There are days when you forget to pray even though you promised yourself you'd remember every day this week.

There are days when, no matter how hard you try, the buttercream just won't go on the cake the way you want it to (super annoying, by the way).

There are days when you're willing to wake up and work hard, but your knees are hurting (again), or your back is hurting (again), or your heart is hurting (again). So you can't work as hard as you want to.

Perfection is not an event, it is a journey, and it's not one we get to because one day goes exactly as planned. It's because as the days go by, we still keep making good choices in the face of less-than-perfect circumstances, even the circumstances we create ourselves.

So don't let your idealism take away what you've already done. Don't let it tell you that all your effort was worthless. Don't let it say that you're weak for taking a day to collect yourself, or that you failed because you didn't quite meet your goal.

Let your ideals push you forward, but don't let them hold you back. There are no perfect days.

The New Normal

In an earlier post, I spoke candidly about my nearly decade long fight against an eating disorder. Of all the vicious things that people experience in life, eating disorders are among the most insidious.

They come from your own mind, and you can't just leave it behind. You can't detox from that voice in your head that says you'll never be good enough, that people won't love you, that everyone will leave you unless you take control of yourself.


What do you do when the toxic person in your life, the one who is ruining your health and stealing away your happiness, is yourself?

There is only one thing to do. You somehow have to learn to get stronger than the voice in the back of your mind.

After I got pregnant with Nadine, I had very few relapses. Once every couple of weeks or so, just when I was feeling particularly crumby or having a bad day.

The relapses got less frequent as my pregnancy wore on, and after she was born, I experienced blissful freedom from the pressure to purge. I might have relapsed only a handful of times in the year after she was born.

It was amazing. After eight years of trying to ignore the eating disorder tape playing constantly in my mind, it was almost gone. Something had made it fade into the background.

Because I enjoyed the silence (something I had been seeking for what seemed like an eternity), I was hesitant to get back into any sort of calorie counting or eating control for fear I might wake a sleeping dragon.

I was heavy from pregnancy. I did not like the way I looked and I did not like how I felt, but those feelings were bearable if it meant my eating disorder was cured -- for a while at least.

But I wanted to run again and I was still experiencing terrible digestive system problems (years of purging will do that to you).

So I did something brave and I changed. I tried following a nutritarian style of eating to hopefully help support my workouts at Sisu.

I cut out meat, most dairy, eggs, sugar, refined grains, and added cooking oils. I started piling on the plants: fruits, legumes, tons of veggies, whole grains, nuts, and seeds. Some might call that change extreme. But it's less extreme than forcing yourself to empty your stomach as punishment for eating a cookie.

Nutritarian philosophy advocates not necessarily for a vegan lifestyle (I had a few bites of chicken last night), but instead for a nutrient-dense one. Veggies and fruits are highest in vitamins and minerals. They have the most nutrients per calorie. Meat, dairy, and sugar, while delicious, offer the least. So, these are eaten sparingly, if at all.

My digestive problems are gone. My body is healing. My skin is clear. I need less sleep to function properly. My weight is going down.

But the best side effect is that I never feel the need to purge. Everything I am eating is nutritional gold. Even if I go out and enjoy a non-compliant meal with a friend or on a date with my husband, I don't feel the pressure to go home and throw it up. Instead, I'm excited to go home and have a salad, a bowl of fruit with almond butter, or a smoothie for my next meal.

A few people who have seen me eat recently have made comments about how nice it will be to go back to a "normal" diet once I meet my goal weight. But I'm not going to go back. I'll always eat this way, and not only to avoid digestive problems.

I'm no longer afraid of eating until I am full. I don't see food as my enemy. I appreciate my body more. I'm more accepting of myself.

This is the new normal. And I'm happy about that.