Focus

 I've worked hard this summer to facilitate a change in my focus. It takes mental work, but I'm hoping it will pay off.

I try to rephrase things in my life that get me down or make me feel like I'm not good enough. I don't want to give myself excuses, either. But you can be committed to progress without ever feeling like you're a bad person. We, as people, don't have to be motivated by our perceptions of what we suck at, and for some people, that's an astonishing revelation.

You don't have to be motivated to workout because you hate your body or because you think you're disgusting.

You don't have to be motivated to be a better parent because you think you're doing the worst job ever.

The trouble with negativity-based change is that negative thinking is a habit, and it doesn't help you when the going gets tough. When you're so accustomed to thinking badly of yourself, you're not surprised when you fail. You give up easily, and hate yourself for doing it. You assume you'll suck before you even get started. You're always convinced you'll never actually measure up. 

Negative self-talk sows the seeds of failure before you even start trying change for the better.

There's a better way.

Here are some actual things I think and say to myself (with the old thoughts in italics) to help shift entirely away from negativity-fueled change.

"Wow, I don't feel like a great parent today (I always lose my temper and I should play with my kids more. Being a mom is so hard on me, and I feel like a waste of time), so I'm going to do something in the next hour to change that."

"I feel self-conscious wearing this swimsuit. (People will think I'm gross and fat because I am. Maybe I should stay on the blanket so I don't have to stand up in front of people) Well, people aren't going to be looking at me anyway, so I might as well forget about feeling uncomfortable around them."

"I ate chocolate cake for breakfast. (I might as well give up or I can never stick to anything. I should have done better. I'll always be this way) I'm going to find some veggies for a healthier lunch."

"This workout is too hard for me. I feel like quitting. (I feel like quitting. I might stop early. I shouldn't have come. Why did I think I'd ever be good at this?) But feeling like quitting is not a good enough reason to quit."

"Doing this gives me anxiety. I want to hide. (Why am I always so broken? Why can't I be stronger?) But I'm more important than my anxiety, so I'm going to finish this."

Am I perfect at this game? Not even close. But I know I have come a really long way in shifting my focus. 

Don't "should" yourself to death. Don't shame yourself. Don't define yourself with defeating absolutes. Instead, take charge of what you'll do when faced with a situation you don't like. What will you do about it? 

If you ever engage in negative self-talk, I encourage you to try these course corrections. This is how you give yourself grace without giving up on achieving great things.